I Couldn’t (Soulful Laments)
Female-Well, remember when I told you I had a confession a while ago?
Male-Yeah
Female-Can I tell you now?
Male-Sure
Female-Promise to have an open mind and continue talking to me? You promise? Baby?
Male-Yeah
Female-OK.
Male VO
He sat listening, not with bated breath but with the knowledge that he would feel a portion of the weight that had been weighing her down since he’d gone. It would be heavy, it would hurt. But he loved her so he was willing to be crushed verbally if it meant that it would heal the both of them emotionally.
Verse
Well, while you were away...
While we were unable to communicate
Back when I was just convinced that your omissions
Were deceptions and lies
When your letters never came
I
Just couldn't take
Not knowing anything
And...
Back toward the second
Decided that I was no longer yours
It started with simply yelling
When the DJ asked where
All the single ladies are tonight
Then I started referring to you as “the former”
To myself when I would think about you
Started saying it casually in conversation,
You were “the former” to new people I met
Began to feel better about not knowing anything about you
Or how to contact you
Convinced myself that none of those things mattered
Because you were “the former”
So when guys would approach me
Words told them I was single
There were numbers
There were messages
Even invites
Held the way I wanted you to hold me
Conversations that I wanted from your lips
Attention I wanted from you
But of the guys that I've engaged in conversation with...
The best talks I've ever had were
With you
After calling you “the former”
While dancing with a new fire
And talking to different men
Still couldn't let you go
Couldn't stop thinking of you
Wishing for you
Praying for you
Promoting you
Despite my anger
Mentioning your name
Whenever fresh, new creative talent is topic of daily gab
My friends still know who you are
Because I never let you go
Even when I tried
Can't shake you
Of all the men I talked to,
None of them came close to you...
And frankly, it upset me
Disgusted that I couldn't get you out of my system
Mad at the situation
Couldn't convince myself that you
Were not lying to me
Mad that I couldn't tell you all my secrets
Couldn't see my new piercings or
Come to church with me one Sunday
Or relax in the park
Angry at all the days missed
About everything
Enough was enough
Invited one of the guys over to my place
Made him dinner
Watched a movie
It was late
He was sleepy, lived at a distance
Asked him to stay the night
Didn't want him to get sleepy at the wheel
He slept on the couch
I slept in my room with the door closed
We never did anything
I couldn't
Hurt you that way
Couldn't disrespect us that way
Wouldn't reject myself that way
Couldn't think of giving my body to anyone else
I couldn't let it happen
So my confession is...
I wanted to let this go
So badly
Because I couldn't handle being
So emotionally tied to a person
It is too hard.
I didn't want the burden
So I tried to remove myself from it
And failed
When he left the next day, I just felt lonelier
Because no seemed to fill the void you left
Had to deal with that void until you came back
When you came back I still didn't have you
No calls
Not the same.
Been hurt
Still hurting
Thought I was abandoned.
Abandoned by you....
And by love
Still…
I couldn’t
Just…
Couldn’t
Male VO
It was hard to hear, no question. Yet he heard it and he understood and felt, if possible, worse. There is was, raw, open, and vulnerable. In her transparency he felt the same way. What they had died but from what she said and what he felt there may be a chance to be Lazarus, to come forth and live again. Surely everyone who cared about her would hate him as they hated the more terrible things. But even though it would cut into him like whips and tortures, he felt that if there was even a fraction of a chance to rebuild he’d be able to take whatever was thrown his way. So he took her soulful laments to heart and vowed to himself that, if she’d allow him, he’d try to spend the days, weeks, and months trying to prove himself as the same person she had fallen for.
